McCain’s Answer to Nation’s Economic Woes « The Washington Independent
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) (WDCPix)
Sen. John McCain, the presumed Republican presidential nominee, spoke from the heart today in setting forth his economic views and policies for a financially troubled America.
“I know what it’s like to have to take a loan from your wife’s trust fund, just to pay the surcharge on aviation fuel to fly the family Gulfstream IV to your weekend cabin,” McCain said, voice trembling. “I’m as concerned as all my fellow Americans about making sure all my horses have enough to eat. I personally know the humiliation of having to ask the wife not once, not twice, but three times this year for a raise in my allowance.”
Moving on to economic specifics, the Arizona senator announced a Housing Crisis Rescue Package, a broadly based program that would reduce the number of houses in America while, at the same time, deporting millions more people to Mexico. “With both fewer houses and fewer people,” he explained, “the surpluses would dry up, demand would revive, prices would soar again. Problem solved.
“As for the menace of inflation,” he continued, “I learned a long time ago at Annapolis that the opposite of *inflation *is *deflation. So *to prevent runaway inflation we must immediately begin deflating everything possible, and right now: tires, basketballs, party balloons, blimps. Enough stuff deflated and inflation won’t have a chance.”
McCain returned to the personal in his closing remarks. “My heart,” he said, “goes out to all those Americans who have maxed out their American Express platinum cards trying to keep their favorite five-star restaurants from going under.”
The senator also demonstrated his ability to stay on point. “You know,” he said, “just this morning, a man I think is one of my gardeners said to me, ‘Excellency, why do so many people in this wonderful land of plenty feel so sad, when anybody can win the Powerball Lottery and be rich like you?’
“What I told that man was, as usual, straight talk: ‘Unless we keep drilling for oil, exploring for oil, importing oil, strengthening the Oil Depletion Allowance while gutting environmental laws, I won’t be rich like me for long.’ Or I think I said something like that. You get the general idea.”
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”