Iraq, Latest Bailout Beneficiary
Image has not been found. URL: /wp-content/uploads/2008/09/iraq-yellow.jpgSadr City, Iraq (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Jason T. Bailey)
Hard on the heels of its rescue of the major financial institutions, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the U.S. Treasury is now going to pay itself $3.5 trillion “to cover expenses related to the progress made since 2003 by the neighborhood outreach cleanup mission in Iraq,” a Bush administration spokesperson explained.
Economists immediately differed as to whether the move doubles, halves or eliminates the national debt. But all seemed to agree that “we don’t know what we’re talking about.”
Going forward, the newly defined Iraq Internal Conflict-Clarification Program is no longer to be funded by the U.S. Treasury. Instead, American Express platinum cards will be issued to all U.S. and Coalition-of-the-Still-Willing military personnel and used to charge all Iraq-related expenses. This will entitle all cardholders to enjoy airline VIP lounges, concierge services for tickets to theater, concert and sporting events — and discounted emergency return air fares.
By dividing monthly AmEx card charges among the several hundred thousand members of the armed forces, Bush administration officials expect individual payments to remain “well below $5 million per month per dogface.”
Meanwhile, with defaulters due to be sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for “advanced credit counseling,” the monthly AmEx charges are expected to be paid promptly.
Exempted from AmEx card obligations will be Halliburton Inc., the international carnage-cleanup service cartel. Halliburton’s bills will be sent directly to Vice President Dick Cheney and then forwarded to Fort Knox, Ky., for payment in gold ingots – to be stored in its facility near Houston, Tex., by Notrubillah, Inc.
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”