McCain Announces Olympic Plans
Sen. John McCain (WDCpix)
Sen. John McCain has announced his intention to play on the U.S. women’s field hockey team in the coming Olympic Games in Beijing, China.
The presumed GOP presidential nominee dismissed opponent Sen. Barack Obama’s immediate charge that the startling move is “a cheap publicity stunt transparently meant to defuse McCain’s age issue while also currying favor with the women’s vote.” McCain, 71, countered that he has actually been honing his field-hockey skills for weeks in the aisles of his Straight Talk Express bus and on roadside rest stops nationwide.
Asked to confirm or deny the claim, Mccain’s close adviser, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) would only expressively wiggle his eyebrows as he affixed the the Arizona senator’s bib for lunch.
Republican insiders evinced no ambiguity. “Nothing will show the senator’s youthfulness, prime physical condition and virility better than wading in there among a bunch of chicks,” said one senior G.O.P. official. “And yet he’s got his feminine side. After all, he’s married to a woman! And he has daughters!”
The Obama camp is denying sudden wildfire rumors that the athletic Chicagoan has been drafted by the U.S. men’s Olympic basketball team after a recent secret tryout in Kuwait. His appearance in Beijing would cause a worldwide sensation, even if – as Obama has allegedly said – he would maintain the dignity expected of a Democratic presidential candidate by wearing his usual blue suit.
McCain, after his lunch, expressed confidence that he could “skate with the best of them” and seems to remember having seen a hockey game, though he asked that reporters check with Sen. Lieberman about the details. Reminded that field hockey is actually played on grass, he observed, “There is a lot of grass in Afghanistan, while my military friends there tell me that Iraq is mostly sand. So I wish the Iraq women’s Olympic sand hockey team all the best.”
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”