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All Politics Is Local

Image has not been found. URL: http://www.washingtonindependent.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/palinmilitarycrop3-300x200.jpgPalin greets Alaska National Guard troops. (Flickr: asecondhandconjecture)

Speaking to the Canasta Club of Greater Alaska at its monthly pot-luck dinner, Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican vice presidential candidate, drew on her own hard-won political experience to spell out an agenda for moving America forward over the next four years.

Palin called for a Neighborhood Watch, just like the one in her hometown of Wasilla, in every community of the nation to combat the ever-present threat of global terrorism. “Even our kids can keep an eye peeled for funny-looking men in robes hanging around the malls,” she stated. “Soccer moms can contribute by checking that soccer balls don’t contain bombs. While barbecuing the steaks, Dad can watch the bushes for any suspicious movements.

Image has not been found. URL: http://www.washingtonindependent.com.php5-9.websitetestlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/jaundiced_i_medium.jpg

“All the moms of America could aid world peace by preparing wholesome lunches for summit meetings.” she continued. “Any foreign despot who tastes a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich on white bread is going to see that these ‘bad ol’ Americans’ are pretty nice folks after all.

“Meanwhile” said the spunky ex-TV sportscaster, “if every housewife contributed just one item of Tupperware from her kitchen cabinet, we could melt them all into a huge plastic shield to plug that hole in the ozone layer and reduce the danger to our environment — without resorting to draconian laws that treat polluters like criminals and scofflaws.”

Finally, Palin – solidly against gun control, she explains, because AK-47’s and similar weaponry are necessary to fend off marauding polar bars — suggested sending the National Rifle Assn. to Iraq as a “cleanup brigade” after U.S. troops leave. As a longtime member, Palin pointed out that the group would help Iraqi rebuilding efforts and also their own cause — by shooting stray animals for sport.

Palin also recommended weekly National Walks For Health Care, substituting the proceeds for wasteful government handouts. She said this would promote healthy exercise that prevents illness and also make most medical care unnecessary.

Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”

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