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THE JAUNDICED EYE: First Responder

Olsen.jpg
Olsen.jpg

Photo Credit: Associated Press

“The massage therapist’s first call on finding a lifeless Heath Ledger wasn’t to 911. Nor was her second. Nor her third, police said. A day before a Friday private viewing for the 28-year-old actor, police said the masseuse spent nine minutes repeatedly ringing “Full House” actress Mary-Kate Olsen before calling authorities for help. The masseuse called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived — at the same time as Olsen’s security guards.”

–The Associated Press

The tragic death of the Australian actor Heath Ledger last week in a Soho loft and the subsequent news that Mary-Kate Olsen was contacted before the police has resulted in a series of revelations showing the former child star playing a pivotal role in a number of national and world events.

Jaundiced_i_large.jpg
Jaundiced_i_large.jpg

An examination of a series of incidents in the past decade alone reveal that before police or fire fighters were notified in emergencies, Mary-Kate Olsen and two women identified only as a housekeeper and a masseuse were called.

“Why a housekeeper and a masseuse would be involved in situations ranging from national defense to medical emergencies is a fair question,” an entertainment industry source told The Washington Independent.

For example, on the evening that the actor Mel Gibson was arrested for drunken driving, an event that triggered a bizarre anti-Semitic tirade, Malibu police have now acknowledged that Gibson’s first phone call was to Olsen. She told Gibson she would send her “private security forces.”

During a series of high-profile incidents involving the actress Lindsey Lohan, insiders familiar with her problems have said that Mary-Kate Olsen was the first to be called, and again the 21-year-old star of the former hit television series, “Full House” vowed to send her “private security forces” to sort out the problem. Hollywood insiders say that a speed dial to Olsen’s cell phone is essential. The actor Kiefer Sutherland, released this week after serving a 48-day jail sentence for drunken driving, was said to have first called Olsen and her “private security forces” when he was arrested.

Olsen has not confined her first responders’ role to Hollywood celebrities and their misadventures. When the U.S. energy giant Enron went bankrupt in late 2001, the first persons contacted by then-CEO Ken Lay were Mary-Kate Olsen, then only 15 years old, and the aforementioned housekeeper and masseuse. Naturally, Olsen sent her “private security forces.”

Authorities in France last week noted that when first word of the rogue trader crisis at Societe Generale broke, French financial experts called Mary-Kate Olsen. Insiders familiar with what is believed to be the biggest financial fraud in history said Olsen’s inability to speak fluent French delayed her response. She did, however, offer to send her “private security forces.”

Experts at Interpol – who spoke on condition of anonymity – told The Washington Independent that there were standing orders at Buckingham Palace, The Hague and the Vatican to “contact Mary-Kate Olsen” and her “private security forces” in the event of a crisis. Olsen is said to be on standby should the Kennedys need her and her “private security force.”

Sources familiar with Olsen’s movements have said that her “private security forces” were on call to back up U.S. troops at Guantanamo. They also provide backup to private military contractors in Iraq and neighboring Afghanistan.

Olsen – who became fabulously wealthy as a child star – was also said to own a significant piece of Blackwater Worldwide, a military contractor. The revelation about Olsen’s “private security forces” has stunned military analysts who said she was “under the radar” as far as we are concerned.

According to insiders, the waif-like Olsen, who has been linked to international arms dealers, operates “like a warlord.”

“She has this private army of commandos –some are former Blackwater and Navy Seals — who work for her round-the-clock. Think Lara Croft,” a source told The Washington Independent. Assisted only by the unnamed housekeeper and a masseuse, Olsen and her “private security forces” are said to have the ability to mobilize anywhere on the globe at any time.

In Vatican City, the normally staid L’Osservatore Romano, confirmed that Mary-Kate Olsen’s cell phone number was on the pope’s speed dial. Vatican insiders also said the Holy See was in preliminary talks to replace the traditional Swiss Guard with Olsen’s “private security forces.” Miss Olsen’s friendship with the pontiff dates to a guest appearance the leader of the world’s 1.1 billion Roman Catholics made on “The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley.”

At week’s end, the New York Daily News reported that the family of vanished British tot Madeleine McCann was in negotiations to develop a film, said to be worth millions, based on the disappearance of the child last year in Portugal. Entertainment industry sources told The Washington Independent that it was no surprise that the project involved Olsen who planned to both produce, direct and star as the missing four-year-old.

*Christopher Corbett, a humorist and non-fiction writer, is the author of “Orphans Preferred: The Twisted Tale and Lasting Legend of the Pony Express.” His work has appeared in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times and The Washington Post. He *is the winner of the James Thurber award.

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