Palin Lauds Old Glory, Dares Obama to Differ
Gov. Sarah Palin and American flag (Flick: Jeff Schultz/Kris Kros)
Addressing a large American flag today, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee, said, “The real Americans are the America-loving Americans who stand up for America and the American way. Because what would America be without these real Americans? And I would like to congratulate this flag for doing such good work for America, while challenging Sen. [Barack] Obama to come up with a policy that says otherwise.”
Skeptics’ snorts that the perky Alaskan spouts endless bromides and cliché’s about America in order not to deal with substantive issues that may be beyond her grasp were hotly denied by the candidate.
“No true American, except those who pal around with terrorists and never shot anything dead, would say such a thing,” she huffed. “I’m stressing Americanism for one reason: because not being afraid to talk up America at times like this is what being an American is all about. That’s why I’m so proud to be a citizen of this great nation that I, for one, call America. And I invite every red-blooded American, here and now, to do the same.”
The winsome mom and moose-butcherer was not finished. “The most American parts of America are where you feel most American,” she continued. “I could list them for you. But every American knows them by heart. And I’m glad today to be standing here in one such part of America. Or I wouldn’t be an American.”
Palin later spoke at a U.S. post office branch, directing her remarks at a sheet of 42-cent U.S. postage stamps. “I am so honored to be looking at all these American stamps,” she said. “Over and over again, they say ‘America.’ See, it says ‘U.S. Postage,’ loud and clear. That’s one big reason why I always buy American stamps. Plus, I’m told they can only be franked in America, by an American, then sent on their way across a country that, wherever you are in it, is as American as these stamps. That’s why I live in America — even if it’s called Alaska. And no Russian can say that, for sure.”
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”