McCain Urges Surge to Fix What Ails U.S.

Sen. John McCain (WDCpix)

Drawing on his foreign policy and military expertise, Sen. John McCain, the Republican presidential nominee, has called for a military surge in America, similar to the one he claims has turned around the situation in Iraq.

“Let’s put 30,000 fine young soldiers on the ground right here at home,” the Arizona senator said. “They won’t even have to leave their loved ones, or fly halfway around the world. But, just as we’ve seen in Iraq, their presence will act like magic to solve every problem here, virtually overnight.”

Pressed for particulars, McCain referred questioners to constant sidekick and adviser Sen. Joseph Lieberman (I-Conn.), as soon as the maverick New England politico figures out how to unbuckle his seat belt on the Straight Talk Express and hurry to his side.

The surge gambit was seen by many observers as a last-ditch McCain effort to turn around his sagging campaign fortunes — a perception immediately countered by Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the GOP vice presidential nominee. “You keep sayin’ that,” she burbled, “and my Todd’s gonna come after ya with a grappling hook!”

McCain himself appears to have zero doubts about the efficacy of placing 30,000 stalwart military personnel somewhere in the United States. “I’d put some of them on Wall Street,” he said, “I’d put lot of them in our national parks to protect oil drilling; another bunch in Chicago to guard against terrorist attacks by Sen. Obama Barack’s cronies, and lots of other places.

“The point is to end the current political unrest,” McCain continued, “reconcile the Shiites and the Sunnis, and halt the constant nuclear threats from Iraq and North Korea. And I wouldn’t be surprised if this surge idea of mine ends up with Obama — I mean Osama — bin Laden under lock and key this month!”

This week’s final presidential debate would furnish McCain with an ideal showcase for his dramatic new initiative.

Aides report, however, that his No. 1 priority will be not walking into TV cameras.

Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”