McCain Almost Certain He Has Ten Toes « The Washington Independent
Tracking panther-like through a jungle of personal statistics, Sen. John McCain, the likely Republican presidential nominee, today counted off one crisp fact after another about himself and his possessions in a breathtaking reversal of his recent muddled answers on how many homes he owns.
“I stand here before you,” McCain began, “on what I am almost certain are 10 toes — which is easy to remember, because by great coincidence that is the same number of fingers on my hands. I’m told that this is how many homes I own as well. I always knew that’s the same as the number of Canadian provinces. But I didn’t want to intrude on another country’s internal affairs by saying so; those —– Canadians are such ——- touchy ———-s.”
The Arizona senator then launched into a dazzling display of his command of statistical data. “I’d have nine holes left over if I only played half of an 18-hole golf course. Sorry to sound like I’m showing off, but when you got it, flaunt it!”
Returning to the matter of his multiple dwellings, McCain stated that it would be good for America to have a president with 10 homes. “That way, he explained, “you could have a Southwestern Summer White House, a West Coast Winter White House, a D.C. Christmas White House, even a National Secretaries’ Week White House — if Cindy gave it the OK. The point being, a White House for every need, every notion.”
The soon-to-be 72-year-old senator did confess that being the owner of multiple homes is not always a blessing. “Last time I came off the campaign trail,” he noted, “I had to try seven houses before I found the one Cindy was in.”
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”