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Clinton’s Hollywood Ending

How should Hillary Clinton end it? That’s the question we’ve been pondering as we grouse about having to watch returns on MSNBC instead of the Reds-Phillies game in HD tonight. For heaven’s sake, they told us during those freezing months driving around Des Moines that this contest would be over by February 5. In the meantime, the cherry blossoms have come and gone, Juno got passed over for Best Picture and Reds rookie center fielder Jay Bruce has brought fresh meaning to the word messiah.

Meanwhile, the race has come to its climax tonight. Certainly there are bad ways to end things (Read: girlfriends, ex). But as she ponders how to put a stop to her campaign–if she puts a stop to her campaign–we thought we’d look at some cinematic examples Clinton might be looking to for guidance on how to say "No mas!" should she chose to concede this evening. The three that worked best are:

Bring It On: In this modern teen classic, newly chosen cheerleading captain Kirsten Dunst is horrified to learn that her team’s been stealing moves from an African-American school. Trying to rectify the situation, Dunst pushes her Toros to the absolute limit where they compete in the national championship…only to finish second to the inner-city team, whose routines they had previously used, led by Gabrielle Union. Surprisingly, even the most jaded members of the squad rejoice at their finish, understanding they did their best and that was enough. In this ending we could see Clinton taking to the microphone tonight, screaming to her supporters "Second Place!" Then Bill Clinton and Harold Ickes could do back flips over the occasion before the whole crowd breaks into singing "Mickey!"

**Superman–The Movie: **Originally intended for the sequel simultaneously being filmed, Director Richard Donner chose to have Superman–against the wishes of his dead Kryptonian father Jor-El played by Marlon Brando–to reverse the polarity of the Earth so that it would spin backwards in time in order to save the life of Lois Lane. In this conclusion, Clinton will reverse the course of human history just enough so that her run for the presidency never existed, her husband’s financial dealings and personal life wouldn’t be plowed through by Vanity Fair and she could save at least a half-dozen pant suits.

**Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade: **As the structure housing the Holy Grail falls to pieces, Harrison Ford makes one desperate last lunge to get the cup before his father played by Sean Connery tells him that it’s enough, that his life is worth more than the object. Afterwards, the two, along with two friends, ride triumphantly into the sunset. Clinton might be pondering paying Connery –or whomever played him on those SNL Jeopardy skits–to tap her on the shoulder, remind her that there’s more than just winning the presidential nomination and cede the spot to Obama. Subsequently, the two could jump onto horses with Chelsea and Bill alongside and head home to Chappaqua, New York.

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