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McCain and Obama, Buddies

Ten townhalls—seriously? That’s what John McCain has suggested having with Obama instead of the traditional debate format. Now, we’re all for an open discussion of ideas and candidates talking in frank and candid forums with the American public, but this seriously cuts into the number of Reds games we can watch as the boys from Cincinnati begin their historic comeback to overtake the Cubs, win the National League Central and defeat the Boston Red Sox in a rematch of the 1975 World Series. Before people write in, the answer is yes, we’re on our medication. Face facts, rookie outfielder Jay Bruce is a golden god, and perhaps the closest thing to a son we’ll ever have.

There has to be a better way of doing this, and gosh darn it, we’ve found it! Instead of taking questions from Julie in St. Louis wanting to know about her health insurance now that the call center she works for has shut down its operations and moved overseas, we thought a better way for the candidates to show off their skills would be to make remakes of some of the better buddy movies of all time. It would show off their cognitive abilities, their reactions to perilous situations the overall chutzpah they’ll need to lead this country. Here are some suggestions:

** Road to Morocco (1942):** what better way to display the two candidate’s middle eastern diplomacy skills than having Obama and McCain traveling like Bing Crosby and Bob Hope did through the desert with turbans? Hello! In addition, by riding a camel together, they can both demonstrate their commitment to alternative energy and fuel efficiency.

** Some Like it Hot (1959):** Reprising the roles of Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in drag would give the likely Democratic and Republican nominees a chance to address gender issues in the United States. We assume Hillary Clinton, should she not be the vice presidential nominee, could take the part of Marilyn Monroe.

** Lethal Weapon (1987):** We know what you’re thinking. This is some play on racial dynamics. No, quite the opposite. In this remake, Obama would take the part of Mel Gibson–the wacky, young maverick cop willing to break any rules to catch the bad guy. McCain, on the other hand would perform in place of Danny Glover as the older, more prudent policeman who’s seen it all and then some. Here we could see how the two react to the actuality of violence on American soil. We could also learn which of the two is better at surviving explosions. Our bet is McCain.

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