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Palin’s Color Commentary « The Washington Independent

Yesterday, watching the Bengals fumble their way to their fifth consecutive loss, I realized there was one thing missing (besides an inexplicable ability of running back Chris Perry to hold onto the ball): Sarah Palin.

Yes, the GOP vice presidential nominee. She would have made my afternoon of misery complete. Because while her talking style has been assailed and ridiculed by many — including myself — her delivery seems appropriate in the world of sportscasting — which she once aspired to. Here, now, is the color commentary Palin would have provided during the Bengals 31-22 loss:

“Quarterback Carson Palmer’s interception on the first play of the game: Gosh. What a shame. I could talk about the play, but instead I’m gonna talk about energy. You know that Alaska is sitting on billions of barrels of oil we can’t drill? Just drill, baby, drill!

“The Bengals defense allowing Dallas running back Felix Jones running for 33 yards on fourth down: Well he just sidestepped the Bengals defense like a real maverick. You know who he reminds me of? Sen. John McCain. Heck, Felix could come join us in Washington and use his maverick power to help make Washington accountable to the hockey moms of America.

“T.J. Houshmandzadeh’s two touchdown catches from Palmer that helped draw the game to 24-22 in the fourth quarter: Golly. He’s a player. Apparently he’s half-Iranian. I hope he doesn’t believe in sitting down with the head of Iran without pre-conditions. That would be dangerous. Dangerous like that Barack Obama who would put us all in harm’s way by sitting down with folks who just can’t stand us. Dangerous. I guess good ol’ Carson has the flexibility in the playbook to call his own plays. It’s the lind of flexibility I think the Constitution gives me to control the legislature.

“Bengals runningback Chris Perry’s fourth quarter fumble which sealed the game for Dallas: Wow. He just dropped it–not like John McCain, who would, well, run with the ball like the true maverick he is.

“I can tell you one thing: with me and John McCain, we wouldn’t be dropping balls like that. We’d be running safely, holdin’ the thing like it was a little baby. Did I mention I’m a mom who’s not from that Washington establishment? I know what it’s like to wonder about health care and college. Apparently he went to Michigan where I guess they teach fumbling like that. Not like in Alaska.

“I can promise you that when John McCain and I are elected, there won’t be any wacky dropped balls like that. Did I mention how much I love Ronald Reagan?”

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