⭐🔥 Click here to check Latest Celeb News & Celebrity Gossip in 2022! 🔥⭐
The Washington Independent
The Washington Independent

McCain Announces Run for Presidency

Elyse Woods
Last updated: Jul 31, 2020 | Jun 12, 2008

Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain threw his hat into the

ring today when he told a cheering audience of amnesiacs that he will be a candidate for president in the November elections.

Reminded afterward by his valet, Sen. Joe I. Lieberman, that he had already secured the delegates needed for the Republican presidential nomination earlier this year, McCain responded, “Yes, but when it comes to seeking the highest office in the land, it’s as important as ensuring hot water for babies to be crystal clear about your intentions. Otherwise, you’re just giving aid and comfort to the terrorists.”

Image has not been found. URL: /files/washingtonindependent/iraq-latest-bailout/Jaundiced_I_large.jpg McCain’s speech was notable for other controversial remarks.

Touching on the war in Iraq, he retracted his notorious claim

that he’d be willing to keep American troops there for a hundred years. New actuarial information, he said, predicts that given normal life expectancies, they won’t live that long. "So they won’t be able to deliver the long-lasting peace and stability in the region,” he declared.

Speaking of dead, McCain vowed to establish an Iraq branch of the National Rifle Assn. as soon as he is elected, taking a load off the U.S. military by ensuring that all Iraqi civilians have guns. This will dramatically up the number of shots fired by the good guys — some of which would be bound to hit terrorists.

The Vietnam War hero and veteran senator then proposed a bold new economic-assistance measure: boarding rich people with poor people for an entire fiscal year, so these under-achievers can learn first-hand how to become wealthy and stop fighting tax breaks for the affluent.

Poor folks today have no idea how to collect fat fees for sitting on corporate boards, making a private jet a tax deduction, hiding funds offshore,” McCain lamented. “My friends, imagine the benefits for these — what I call ‘the dumb Americans’ — sitting around the shack chewing the fat with a fat cat every night. And as long as they’re doing that, they won’t be out committing crimes.”

Lastly, in an effort to separate his candidacy from the unpopular Bush administration, the senator promised not to wear cowboy boots to bed or play Grand Theft Auto video games between courses at state dinners. He also promised to declare a moratorium on malapropisms, “as soon as Joe Lieberman can find out for me what a malapropism is.”


*Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."

Elyse Woods | As a product marketing manager, I've had the opportunity to help a variety of companies improve their sales margins and audience reaction to new products. Since I am passionate about product perception, marketing, and company statistics, I have brought commitment and positive results to the companies with which I have worked. What makes a product successful fascinates and inspires me.


MA-Sen: 150 Conservative Bloggers Fan Out, Looking for Scandals

BOSTON -- The mysterious Election Journal blog, which first released the infamous 2008 video of two bumbling New Black Panther Party members waving nightsticks

MA-Sen: 66 to 19

BOSTON -- That, via Alex Isenstadt and Josh Kraushaar, is the number that defined the Massachusetts Senate race more than anything else. From the primary

MA-Sen: A Text Message From Scott Brown

BOSTON -- Having signed up for Scott Brown’s text message service for election day, I just got this text: Are you about to have lunch? It’s a great time to

MA-Sen: Loyal Democrats Grouse About Coakley

BOSTON -- A little while after noon, a steady crowd of Democratic voters streamed into the Cathedral High School Gymnasium to cast votes for their party’s

MA-Sen: Brown Wins

BOSTON -- At 9:20, the first rumors of Scott Brown’s victory in the Massachusetts Senate race started to work around the room. A moment later, Doug Flutie

MA-Sen Photos: ‘Paint the Town Red! Croakley’s Dead!’

Below are some photos of yesterday’s People’s Rally in Worcester, the rally that Brown held to counter-program the Obama rally in Boston. The crush of

MA-Sen: Out-of-Staters for Brown

BOSTON -- A surprising discovery at yesterday’s People’s Rally in Worcester was just how many people had traveled into the state to assist, in whatever way,

Menendez, Lautenberg to Continue BP-Lockerbie Investigation

Sens. Robert Menendez and Frank Lautenberg, both New Jersey Democrats, will continue to seek details about BP’s alleged involvement in the release last year of

Net Investors Bullish on Palin’s Prospects for Staying on Ticket

Just for fun, the Internet prediction Website Intrade has opened a contract on whether Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will be withdrawn as McCain’s running mate.

No Experience Necessary

Gov. Sarah Palin’s a middle-class hockey mom, but does that really qualify her to be vice president?

© Copyright 2022 The Washington Independent All Rights Reserved

Terms & Privacy | twi.news@washingtonindependent.com

⭐🔥 Click here to check Latest Celeb News & Celebrity Gossip in 2022! 🔥⭐