Gov. Sarah Palin (WDCpix)

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was more than prepared should terrorists and their sympathizers quit palling around long enough to throw the coming presidential election a curve and cheat her out of the vice presidency. She has already crafted a detailed plan for her future.

Step One is to resign as governor in favor of her husband, Todd, appointed by unanimous vote of the State Legislature after “a good old-fashioned Alaska-style blackmail blitz” using secret tape recordings, spy photos and paid stool-pigeon testimony.

“Todd and the whole gang will all be living rent-free in the governor’s mansion with room service,” Palin revealed, “and they have all volunteered to serve in at least two no-show jobs apiece, to help get Alaska’s employment figures way up there.”

Palin herself will be moving to the Lower 48 “to either cash in or cash out — I didn’t go to some elite school, so I’m not sure which. I do know I’ll be doing some teaching at either Harvard or Bob Jones University. It’s a toss-up right now between the School of International Law on one hand and Home Economics 101 on the other.”

The perky, crack moose shot also revealed that she is thinking seriously, “or as seriously as a gal like me can,” about establishing a chain of “Sarah Palin’s Shoot ‘n’ Sizzle” firing ranges under tanning lamps, located atop Wal-Mart stores nationwide.

Palin claims to be close to signing with a major publisher for her memoir, “to be written by a famous book author who has a real gift of gab. He says my life reads like a fairy tale and that I play a leading role in it from start to finish.”

On the agenda as well will be the Sarah Palin Foundation, a for-profit think tank with a mandate to think about how to secure a steady flow of cash contributions and free gasoline from Big Oil for ex-Alaskan governors while she is out of political office.

Meanwhile, Palin said that plans to borrow the Alaska state police as her personal security detail would be finalized “as soon as we can root out certain rotten apples.”

Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”

Sen. John McCain (WDCpix)

Sen. John McCain, the Republican presidential nominee, today accused his opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, and the entire Democratic Party of being “too stupid to govern America,” citing as proof their falling for the many outrageous lies deliberately planted in his and running mate Sarah Palin’s public utterances to test their intellectual acuity.

“Of course that one [Obama] doesn’t pal around with terrorists,” McCain explained. “Of course, he isn’t a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer. Of course, his tax plan doesn’t punish the middle class. Of course he isn’t a socialist. Those were just booby-traps we set to see if they were smart enough to tell the difference between the truth and a whopper. And over and over again, they’ve flunked this vital test of savvy. They’re so dumb they think we meant it!”

McCain’s accusations marked yet another sharp strategic turn in his PresidMential campaign, from basing much of his argument on dubious claims about Obama’s patriotism and loyalties to revealing them as mere ploys.

“Foxy adversaries on the world scene constantly lie to American officials,” McCain said, “and our nation’s future depends on its leaders’ ability to quickly detect such dangerous falsehoods. My opponent clearly can’t tell a fib from a bomb-throwing underground Chicago terrorist — whereas Gov. Palin and I clearly know more about lying than anybody.”

Asked by a reporter if his amazing revelations were true, the veteran Arizona politico hesitated until close adviser, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), whispered in his ear. “Maybe you should ask William Ayers,” McCain finally replied. Asked in another reporter’s follow-up what he meant, McCain answered with more questions: “Has anybody ever actually seen that one’s alleged Harvard degree? When he was living in Kenya, did he fraternize with Cuban troops in nearby Angola? Is it better for America that Sarah Palin’s wardrobe cost $150,000, or that, as confidential anonymous sources tell me, Michelle Obama, a few years ago, thought about calling Winona Ryder in Hollywood to ask if she could shoplift a mink coat while she was at it?”

Reached at her hotel suite in Dubuque, Iowa, for comment, Palin said, “Jeepers creepers! I should have run this year instead of waiting for 2012!”

Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”