McCain Almost Certain He Has Ten Toes

Tracking panther-like through a jungle of personal statistics, Sen. John McCain, the likely Republican presidential nominee, today counted off one crisp fact after another about himself and his possessions in a breathtaking reversal of his recent muddled answers on how many homes he owns.

“I stand here before you,” More…

McCain’s Answer to Nation’s Economic Woes

Sen. John McCain, the presumed Republican presidential nominee, spoke from the heart today in setting forth his economic views and policies for a financially troubled America.

“I know what it’s like to have to take a loan from your wife’s trust fund, just to pay the surcharge on aviation fuel More…

Swift Boat Author Smears Self

Right-wing attack-dog journalist Jerome Corsi, whose controversial book, “Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry,” helped sink Sen. John Kerry’s presidential hopes in 2004 and whose similarly incendiary attack on Sen. Barack Obama, “The Obama Nation,” is now on sale, reveals in his new unauthorized autobiography More…

Bush Takes Hard Line on China’s Culinary Abuses

Meeting with high-level Beijing officials on his visit to attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games, President George W. Bush wasted no time in acting on his recent vow not to let the Chinese government off the hook.

Bush immediately came down hard on China’s “scandalous, appalling and maybe More…

Obama Invites McCain to Celebfest

Shaken by celebrity-wannabe Sen. John McCain’s paranoid jealousy of his A-list address book, and the TV attack ad it recently generated, Sen. Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic nominee, has invited the Arizona Republican to “get down” with a gaggle of luminaries who gather to goof around at his basketball/backgammon/pilates weekends More…

Candidates Maneuver for Edge in Debates

Candidates on both sides agree that it’s high time for that old tradition of conniving to rig presidential debates to favor one side or the other. The two major parties are again maneuvering for even petty advantages to undercut the fair and equal exchange that might help voters make intelligent More…

Fans Realize Obama Is Not Divine

Disturbing new evidence indicates that Americans by the millions are failing to deify Sen. Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic presidential nominee, reflecting mounting fears among rabid early supporters that their charismatic Boy Messiah may not even be divine.

“It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way,” wept an Obama apostle. More…

McCain Mistakes Arizona for Iraq

Sen. John McCain, who has locked up the GOP nomination, was chased down in the parking lot of a Phoenix shopping mall today and persuaded to remove his Kevlar helmet and body armor. He had been driving his SUV around this sprawling desert city all afternoon on a fact-finding tour More…

McCain Announces Olympic Plans

Sen. John McCain has announced his intention to play on the U.S. women’s field hockey team in the coming Olympic Games in Beijing, China.

The presumed GOP presidential nominee dismissed opponent Sen. Barack Obama’s immediate charge that the startling move is “a cheap publicity stunt transparently meant to defuse McCain’s More…

When Antics on Trail Turn Ugly

Sen. Barack Obama’s recent stopover in Kuwait where he “shoot a few hoops with the boys” is a rare instance of a presidential candidate engaging in harmless athletic fun on the campaign trail. Obama, the likely Democratic nominee, is lucky here; he can usually play pick-up basketball at any stop More…