Rove Tricks Dems on Denver

Former White House Strategist Karl Rove (WDCpix)

By mailing them doctored Hawaiian vacation brochures with “Denver” pasted over “Honolulu,” and sending a delegation of Hooters waitresses to Democratic National Committee H.Q. in Washington as “Denver goodwill ambassadors,” master Republican manipulator Karl Rove allegedly tricked Dem muckety-mucks into choosing the Mile High City as the site of their 2008 convention. The power brokers are still blissfully unaware that the choice is bound to prove a debacle inside a fiasco wrapped in a booby trap.

“The notoriously thin Denver air will shrink the lung power of even seasoned political windbags,” says a leaked secret Rove memo, “leaving Democratic National Convention speakers gasping for breath while suffering colossal headaches. This will reduce their spirited speechifying to panting gurgles. The physical discomfort will make even sunny-natured Obama as crabby and irritable as (John) McCain. Of course, his 10-pack-a-day smoking habit will further limit his breathing capacity.

“They’ll all be forced to take frequent gulps at nearby oxygen tanks,” the Rove memo continues, “The beauty part here is that we’ve bribed disaffected Hillary backers to fill the tanks with nitrous oxide. So everybody who takes a hit’s going to sound like Minnie Mouse. The crowd’s gonna laugh Obama and his posse right off the stage in the first five minutes!”

The Machiavellian Rove has reportedly also set up free skiing trips to nearby mountain resorts like Vail and Aspen for convention delegates, who on arrival will find slopes bare. But they won’t be able to return to Denver, since Rove operatives have been assigned to slash all the bus tires.

With scores of key delegates stranded hours away, convention proceedings promise to be thrown into even more than the usual chaos. Leading, or so the Rove gang hopes, to a Joe Lieberman putsch and his takeover of the Democratic presidential candidacy.

This way, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman would be the only politician to play a major role in both party conventions in the same year.

Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of “All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall” and “Zany Afternoons.”